unhappy planet (powersparkles) wrote in xiangoth,
unhappy planet
powersparkles
xiangoth

a confession

i feel the need to confess to a community that probably remembers me.

i got sucked into things like myspace and facebook, while not necessarily being "wrong", began to reflect a life of carelessness and apathy for myself. of getting sucked into society's trap of caring more about status and image than the really important things. and all the while this was happening subconsciously and i'm sad to say it took a psychotic breakdown to help me realize this.

i basically got trapped into becoming selfish, of leaving friends behind whose pain was "too much for me", of ignoring reality and trying to create a completely drama-free and "perfect" life. of escaping the "mad world" out there and trying to live in my personal utopia.

i am thankful however that none of my friends are mad at me and have voiced nothing but sympathy. but i still feel bad.

i still cared about all my friends and what was happening in the world, but it got to the point that i had too many friends and was overstimulating myself as so many of their lives seemed to be falling apart and i felt powerless to help them. i became obsessed with conspiracy theories and let paranoia slip in and i neglected my own sanity.

i basically went from one extreme of not caring at all to another extreme of caring too much. and i went completely numb and it was only a matter of time before everything in my world shattered.

all of the existential confusion about god, reality, my identity, the news, the conflicts between religion and science, the madness about possible "end times", the economy, wondering if i've been mislead, global warming, doubting myself, doubting reality, and it seems like every asshole on tv was an "expert" and all the "experts" seemed to disagree with one another... it all reached a boiling point.

i had to spend some time at the mental ward and live with my parents again. i think that what happened to me could best be described as a computer that gets overloaded and steam comes out as it breaks down. so here i am, several years later, still neurotic and probably always will be :)

anyway, i think this all has a point, of learning how to listen for God amidst all of the confusion out there. watching talking heads debate back and forth about this stuff wears me out. this may not be the "end times" but it certainly feels like the end of an era and it's a lot harder today not to become overstimulated than it was 2,000 years ago. there's just too much information and as humans we can only process so much. i'm praying that we not get swept away by all the fervor our there as we find a sense of balance and sanity and remembering to do the important things.

i really miss this community.
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